Funny Text Messages

Let me tell you about my doctor. He’s very good!
If you tell him you want a second opinion,
He’ll go out and come in again.
~~~~~

While he was talking to me, his nurse came in and said,
“Doctor, there is a man here who thinks he’s invisible.”
The doctor said,
“Tell him I can’t see him.”
~~~~~

Another time, a man came running in the office and yelled,
“Doctor, doctor! – my son just swallowed a roll of film!”
The doctor calmly replied,
“Let’s just wait and see what develops.”
~~~~~

I remember one time I told my doctor
I had a ringing in my ears. His advice:
“Don’t answer it.”
~~~~~

My doctor sure has his share of nut cases.
One said to him, “Doctor, I think I’m a bell.”
The doctor gave him some pills and said,
“Here, take these – If they don’t work, give me a ring.”
~~~~~

Another guy told the doctor that he thought he was a deck of cards.
The doctor simply said,
“Go sit over there. I’ll deal with you later.”
~~~~~

When I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places,
He told me to stop going to those places.
~~~~~

You know, doctors can be so frustrating.
You wait a month and a half for an appointment,
Then he says,
“I wish you had come to me sooner.”

I was in the six item express lane at the store quietly fuming.
Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into
the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine
my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked
into the cart and asked sweetly, ‘So which six items would you like to
buy?’

Wouldn’t it be great if that happened more often?

Cowboy: GIVE ME 3 PACKETS OF CONDOMS PLEASE.

CASHIER: DO YOU NEED A PAPER BAG WITH THAT, SIR?

Cowboy: NAH… SHE AIN’T THAT UGLY!!

Shot my first turkey yesterday,

scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…

It was awesome!

Gettin’ old is so much fun….

The wife told me to go to the doctor and get some of those tablets that “help” get an erection. You should have seen her face when I came back and tossed her some diet pills !

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America .
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell ‘crocodile?’
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L’
TEACHER: No, that’s wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this child)

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it’s H to O.

Just wanted to let you know that today I received my 2012 Obama Stimulus Package.
It contained 2 watermelon seeds, cornbread mix, a prayer rug and 10 coupons to KFC. The directions were in Spanish.

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I’m a lot closer to the ground than you are.

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ‘ I. ‘
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie…… Always say, ‘I am.’
MILLIE: All right… ‘I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.’

TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don’t have to, my Mom is a good cook.

TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on ‘My Dog’ is exactly the same as your brother’s.. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It’s the same dog. (I want to adopt this kid!!!)

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father’s cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn’t punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand…..

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher