Funny Text Messages

I failed a Health and Safety course at work today. One of the questions was: “In the event of a fire, what steps would you take?” “Fucken’ big ones” was apparently the wrong answer.

Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances. While attending a Marriage Weekend, Frank and his wife Ann listened to the instructor declare, “It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.” He then addressed the men. “Can you name and describe your [...]

Let me tell you about my doctor. He’s very good! If you tell him you want a second opinion, He’ll go out and come in again. ~~~~~ While he was talking to me, his nurse came in and said, “Doctor, there is a man here who thinks he’s invisible.” The doctor said, “Tell him I [...]

I was in the six item express lane at the store quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, ‘So [...]

Cowboy: GIVE ME 3 PACKETS OF CONDOMS PLEASE. CASHIER: DO YOU NEED A PAPER BAG WITH THAT, SIR? Cowboy: NAH… SHE AIN’T THAT UGLY!!

Shot my first turkey yesterday, scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section… It was awesome! Gettin’ old is so much fun….

The wife told me to go to the doctor and get some of those tablets that “help” get an erection. You should have seen her face when I came back and tossed her some diet pills !

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America . MARIA: Here it is. TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ? CLASS: Maria.

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell ‘crocodile?’ GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L’ TEACHER: No, that’s wrong GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it. (I Love this child)

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water? DONALD: H I J K L M N O. TEACHER: What are you talking about? DONALD: Yesterday you said it’s H to O.

Just wanted to let you know that today I received my 2012 Obama Stimulus Package. It contained 2 watermelon seeds, cornbread mix, a prayer rug and 10 coupons to KFC. The directions were in Spanish.

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty? GLEN: Well, I’m a lot closer to the ground than you are.

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ‘ I. ‘ MILLIE: I is.. TEACHER: No, Millie…… Always say, ‘I am.’ MILLIE: All right… ‘I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.’

TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating? SIMON: No sir, I don’t have to, my Mom is a good cook.

TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on ‘My Dog’ is exactly the same as your brother’s.. Did you copy his? CLYDE : No, sir. It’s the same dog. (I want to adopt this kid!!!)