Funny Text Messages

A man picked up the phone and dialed. When a voice answered, he asked, “Mother, how are you?” “Fine.” “Sorry, I have the wrong number.”

Within two weeks of moving into a new house, the homeowner had to call an electrician, a roofer, a plasterer and a carpenter. One afternoon he returned early from work and saw a plumber’s truck in the driveway. “Lord,” he pleaded, looking skyward, “please let her be having an affair.”

I failed a Health and Safety course at work today. One of the questions was: “In the event of a fire, what steps would you take?” “Fucken’ big ones” was apparently the wrong answer.

Let me tell you about my doctor. He’s very good! If you tell him you want a second opinion, He’ll go out and come in again. ~~~~~ While he was talking to me, his nurse came in and said, “Doctor, there is a man here who thinks he’s invisible.” The doctor said, “Tell him I [...]

I was in the six item express lane at the store quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, ‘So [...]

Shot my first turkey yesterday, scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section… It was awesome! Gettin’ old is so much fun….

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested? HAROLD: A teacher

The administration of this particular elementary school decided to start a more inclusive policy on which words were “bad” words. Among those initiated to the category was “suck” (when not referring to the principle of suction). One day a child came up to the teacher to inform her that one of the other students had [...]

- Must we listen to Christmas Carols all year long? – We’re tired of making Barbie Dolls, can’t we make some Paris Hilton action dolls? – Besides the Head Elf, nobody ever gets any promotions. – Santa never lets us have any eggnog. – Listening to those damned chimes makes our ears hurt. – We [...]

SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I’m a very good looking girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. Rub me the [...]

At a rape trial the young victim was asked by the D.A. what the defendant said before the alleged assault. Too embarrassed to answer aloud, the victim asked if she could write out the answer, After reading the note the judge instructed the jury foreman to read it and pass it arnong the rest of [...]

A sweet young thing took her seat on opening day of her college class. The young man behind her tapped her on the shoulder and asked, “What are you doing wearing a football jersey?” The girl replied, “Why, I bought it and own it. Why shouldn’t I wear it?” He said, “You’re not supposed to [...]

Please, take notice. A recent joint study conducted by the Department of Health and the Department of Motor Vehicles indicates that 23% of traffic accidents are alcohol-related. This means that the remaining 77% of accidents are caused by assholes who drink bottled water, Starbucks, soda, juice, energy drinks, and shit like that. Therefore, beware of [...]

The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

It’s winter in Minnesota And the gentle breezes blow, 70 miles per hour at 52 below! Oh, how I love Minnesota When the snow’s up to your butt; You take a breath of winter air And your nose is frozen shut. Yes, the weather here is wonderful, You may think I’m a fool. I could [...]