Funny Text Messages

Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away. But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I’ve found that a bacon sandwich works best!

An Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man asks What is wrong?? The boy says, ‘Me ma is dead.’ ‘Oh bejaysus.’ the man says, ‘Do you want me to call Father O’Riley for you?’ The boy replies, ‘No tanks mister, sex is the last ting on my mind at the [...]

Snow in the forecast! The TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight. I thought to myself, fat chance with a face like that!

I walked past a black kid sitting at a bus stop as I went into the bank. When I came out, he looked at me and said ‘Any Change?’ I said ‘Nope, you’re still black.’

I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself I’m going to take that.

A fat girl served me in McDonald’s during a busy lunch time. She said ‘sorry about the wait.’ I said, ‘don’t worry, you’re bound to lose it eventually.’

I was sitting at a stoplight yesterday, minding my own business, waiting on it to turn green. A carload of bearded, young, loud Muslims, shouting anti-American slogans, with a half- burned American Flag duct taped on the trunk of their car and a “Remember 9-11″ slogan spray painted on the side, stopped next to me. [...]

I took my Biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells. Apparently ‘Blacks’ and ‘Mexicans’ were not the correct answers.

I’d just come out of the deli with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. Outside the door, a poor homeless man sat there and said ‘I’ve not eaten for two days.’ I told him, ‘I wish I had your will power.’

At the end of a tiny deserted bar in downtown Detroit sat a huge black man. He was having a few beers, when a short, well dressed, and obviously gay man walked in and sat beside him.After three or four beers, the gay man got the courage to say a few words to the big [...]

I flunked my Biology exam last Friday… I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells. Apparently, ‘African Americans’ and ‘Illegal Mexicans’ were not the correct answers.

This morning the math teacher singled me out to ask, “If you have $200, and you give $60 to Mary, $60 to Sally and $60 to Susan, what would you have?” Turned out that “an orgy” was not the correct answer.

A man boards an airliner, takes his seat, and is surprised to find a large purple parrot in the seat next to him. The aircraft takes off and a pretty flight attendant walks down the aisle past the man and his seat mate. “Hey, bitch, “says the parrot, “bring me a whiskey and soda, and [...]

The day it all started was March 6, 1836. On that fateful day, Davy Crockett woke up and rose from his bunk on the main floor of the Alamo . He walked up to the observation post along the west wall of the fort. William B. Travis and Jim Bowie were already there, looking out [...]

A slutty girl is flirting with 2 guys in a chatroom. The first guy asks, “What state are you from?” While at the same time the second guy asks, “What do you do for a living?” To satisfy them both, She replies, “Idaho.”