Funny Text Messages

Just wanted to let you know that today I received my 2012 Obama Stimulus Package. It contained 2 watermelon seeds, cornbread mix, a prayer rug and 10 coupons to KFC. The directions were in Spanish.

“The best line I ever heard was from a shop foreman at the old Republic Steel when this young black kid was being reprimanded for the last time. The black youth said to the shop foreman: “You’re firing me because I’m black!” The boss said, “No, we hired you because you were black. We’re firing [...]

I met a fairy today that said she would grant me one wish. “I want to live forever,” I said. “Sorry,” said the fairy, “I’m not allowed to grant wishes like that!” “Fine,” I said, “then I want to die after Congress gets their heads out of their asses.” “You crafty bastard,” said the fairy.

There once was a pervert named Weiner Who had a perverted demeanor Forced from the Hill For acting like Bill Now Congress is one weiner leaner

Osama Bin Laden really shouldn’t have used his real name on PSN

I saw a Radical Muslim fall into the icy Niagara River this morning about 8:20. As a responsible citizen, I informed the local office of emergency services. It’s now 6:00 PM and they still haven’t responded! I’m starting to think I’ve wasted a friggin’ stamp.

Congress has announced they intend to make it more difficult to claim Unemployment Benefits. Starting next Monday, the forms will be printed in English.

This morning a coalition of Muslim leaders warned the United States that if military action against Muslim countries continues, they intend to cut off America ‘s supply of 7-11 and Motel 6 managers. If this action does not yield sufficient results, cab drivers will be next, followed by Dell, AT&T and AOL customer service reps. [...]

She looked like such a sweet little old lady, driving the cute Toyota with a bumper sticker that said, “Grow your own dope.” How sweet, I thought, must be a medical marijuana patient. Then I noticed the rest of her message … “Plant a man.”

I met a fairy today that would grant me one wish. “I want to live forever,” I said. Sorry” said the fairy, “I’m not allowed to grant wishes like that!” “Fine,” I said, “I want to die after the Democrats get their heads out of their asses!” “You crafty bastard,” said the fairy.

There will always be death and taxes; however, death doesn’t get worse every year.

An elderly man suffered a massive heart attack . The family drove wildly to get him to the emergency room. After what seemed like a very long wait, the ER doctor appeared wearing his scrubs and a long face. Sadly, he said, “I’m afraid Grandpa is brain-dead, but his heart is still beating.” “Oh, Dear [...]

Two women were bemoaning the state of the National Health Service. One said, “Do you know, my ninety-three-year-old mother has been waiting over a year for her operation?” “That’s appalling,” said the other woman. “What a terrible way to treat someone of that age.” “I know,” said the first woman. “It got so bad that [...]

I went down to Social Services this morning to sign up my Dog for welfare. At first the lady said, “Dogs aren’t eligible to draw welfare.” So I explained to her that my Dog is unemployed, lazy, can’t speak English and has no frigging clue who his Daddy is. She looked in her policy book [...]