Funny Text Messages

But Your Enemy Gets Two

admin — Thu, 17 May 2012 02:17:41 +0000

O’Neil was walking home from the pub one night when lo and behold
he sees one of the Little Folk. He sneaks up and catches him in is
stare and demands three wishes for the little mans freedom.
“Granted” says the man in green, “but whatever I do for you, O’Reily will get twofold!”
Now O’Reily is no friend of O’Neil, in fact they hate each other, but O’Neil agrees.
“For my first wish I’d like a mansion full of expensive antiques and beautiful women.”
“Granted, and of course O’Reily gets two!”
“For my second wish I’d like a beautiful, sexy, redheaded nymphomaniac.”
“Granted, and of course O’Reily gets two women.”
Now by this stage O’Neil is pissed off, the hated O’Reily getting two mansions
and two nymphomaniacs. Suddenly inspiration hits him. “For my third wish,
I want you to remove one of my testicles!”

Scottish Whales

admin — Mon, 07 May 2012 15:29:11 +0000

I was in a pub last Saturday night. Had a few….
and noticed two very large women at the bar.
They both had strong accents so I asked…
“Hey, are you two ladies from Scotland?”
One of them chirped… “It’s WALES, you friggin’ idiot!”
So, I immediately apologized and said…
“I’m sorry. Are you two whales from Scotland?”

Little Johnny Can Not Tell A Lie

admin — Sun, 06 May 2012 00:42:38 +0000

Little Johnny lived in the country.
They had to use an outhouse, and Little Johnny hated it because it was
hot in the summer, cold in the winter and stank all the time. The
outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and Little Johnny determined
that one day he would push that outhouse into the creek. One day after a
spring rain, the creek was swollen so Little Johnny decided today was
the day to push the outhouse into the creek.
He got a large stick and started pushing. Finally, the outhouse toppled
into the creek and floated away. That night his dad told him they were
going to the wood shed after supper. Knowing that meant a spanking,
Little Johnny asked why.
The dad replied, “Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It
was you, wasn’t it, son?” Little Johnny answered yes. Then he thought a
moment and said, “Dad, I read in school today that George Washington
chopped down a cherry tree and didn’t get into trouble because he told
the truth.”
The dad replied, “Well, son, George Washington’s father wasn’t in that
cherry tree.

admin — Sun, 06 May 2012 00:41:26 +0000

A female dentist pulls out a numbing needle to give the man a shot of Novocain. “No way! No needles. I hate needles” the patient said.

The dentist starts to hook up the nitrous oxide and the man objects. “I can’t do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on, suffocates me!”

The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill. “No objection,” the patient says. “‘I’m fine with pills.”

The dentist then returns and says, “Here’s a Via gra.” The patient says, “Wow! I didn’t know Via gra worked as a pain killer!”

“It doesn’t” said the dentist, “but it’s going to give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth!”

Obama

admin — Thu, 03 May 2012 16:52:52 +0000

President Obama’s approval ratings are so low now, Kenyans are accusing him of being born in the United States …