Funny Text Messages

TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don’t have to, my Mom is a good cook.

TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on ‘My Dog’ is exactly the same as your brother’s.. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It’s the same dog. (I want to adopt this kid!!!)

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father’s cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn’t punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand…..

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher

The administration of this particular elementary school decided to start a more inclusive policy on which words were “bad” words. Among those initiated to the category was “suck” (when not referring to the principle of suction).

One day a child came up to the teacher to inform her that one of the other students had said a bad word.

“What was the bad word he said?” asked the teacher.

“I can’t say it.”

“It’s okay to tell me; you won’t get in trouble for it.”

“No, it’s too bad, I don’t want to say it.”

“Well I have to know what he said in order to punish him. Can you tell me what it is without saying it?”

“Well… it rhymes with ‘fuck’.”

Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away. But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I’ve found that a bacon sandwich works best!

- Must we listen to Christmas Carols all year long?

- We’re tired of making Barbie Dolls, can’t we make some Paris Hilton
action
dolls?

- Besides the Head Elf, nobody ever gets any promotions.

- Santa never lets us have any eggnog.

- Listening to those damned chimes makes our ears hurt.

- We hear Santa is going to outsource our jobs to Mexicans.

- How come we never get Christmas off?

- Who gets all the cookies and milk? Not us!

- Those damned reindeer keep pissing on our floor!

A man walks into a bar and begins to drink beer. After every glass of beer he pulls a picture out of his pocket and looks at it. After the 4th beer the waiter asks him why after every glass of beer he pulls the picture out and looks at it.

Then the man says: It’s a picture of my wife. When she looks good to me I’m going home

SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I’m
a very good looking girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the
woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips,
cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me
eating out of your hand. Rub me the right way and watch me respond. I’ll
be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what
nature gave me. Kiss me and I’m yours. Call (404) 876-6420 and ask for
Daisy.

… Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane
Society about an 8-week old black Labrador retriever.

Men are so easy…

At a rape trial the young victim was asked by the D.A. what the
defendant
said before the alleged assault. Too embarrassed to answer aloud, the
victim
asked if she could write out the answer, After reading the note the
judge
instructed the jury foreman to read it and pass it arnong the rest of
the
jurors.

One juror, who had dozed off, was nudged by the woman juror sitting
next to
him. He took the note from her and read, “I’m going to fuck you like
you’ve
never been fucked before.”

The juror smiled at the woman and slipped the note in his pocket.

“Will juror number 12 please pass the note to me!” ordered the judge.

“I can’t, Your Honor,” the juror answered. “It’s personal.”

An Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road.
A man asks What is wrong??

The boy says, ‘Me ma is dead.’ ‘Oh bejaysus.’ the man says, ‘Do you want me to call Father O’Riley for you?’ The boy replies, ‘No tanks mister, sex is the last ting on my mind at the moment.’

Snow in the forecast! The TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight. I thought to myself, fat chance with a face like that!

I walked past a black kid sitting at a bus stop as I went into the bank. When I came out, he looked at me and said ‘Any Change?’ I said ‘Nope, you’re still black.’

Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Ireland. He looks down and sees a farmer in the fields and shouts to him, ‘Where am I?’ ‘The Irish farmer looks back up and shouts back, ‘You’re in that feckin basket.’

I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself I’m going to take that.