Funny Text Messages

The wife told me to go to the doctor and get some of those tablets that “help” get an erection. You should have seen her face when I came back and tossed her some diet pills !

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America .
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell ‘crocodile?’
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L’
TEACHER: No, that’s wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this child)

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it’s H to O.

Just wanted to let you know that today I received my 2012 Obama Stimulus Package.
It contained 2 watermelon seeds, cornbread mix, a prayer rug and 10 coupons to KFC. The directions were in Spanish.

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I’m a lot closer to the ground than you are.

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ‘ I. ‘
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie…… Always say, ‘I am.’
MILLIE: All right… ‘I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.’

TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don’t have to, my Mom is a good cook.

TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on ‘My Dog’ is exactly the same as your brother’s.. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It’s the same dog. (I want to adopt this kid!!!)

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father’s cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn’t punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand…..

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher

The administration of this particular elementary school decided to start a more inclusive policy on which words were “bad” words. Among those initiated to the category was “suck” (when not referring to the principle of suction).

One day a child came up to the teacher to inform her that one of the other students had said a bad word.

“What was the bad word he said?” asked the teacher.

“I can’t say it.”

“It’s okay to tell me; you won’t get in trouble for it.”

“No, it’s too bad, I don’t want to say it.”

“Well I have to know what he said in order to punish him. Can you tell me what it is without saying it?”

“Well… it rhymes with ‘fuck’.”

Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away. But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I’ve found that a bacon sandwich works best!

- Must we listen to Christmas Carols all year long?

- We’re tired of making Barbie Dolls, can’t we make some Paris Hilton
action
dolls?

- Besides the Head Elf, nobody ever gets any promotions.

- Santa never lets us have any eggnog.

- Listening to those damned chimes makes our ears hurt.

- We hear Santa is going to outsource our jobs to Mexicans.

- How come we never get Christmas off?

- Who gets all the cookies and milk? Not us!

- Those damned reindeer keep pissing on our floor!

A man walks into a bar and begins to drink beer. After every glass of beer he pulls a picture out of his pocket and looks at it. After the 4th beer the waiter asks him why after every glass of beer he pulls the picture out and looks at it.

Then the man says: It’s a picture of my wife. When she looks good to me I’m going home